8-Step Checklist for Managing Teens with Social Media
By Alicia Garibaldi
When I sat down with six Bay Area teens to understand how social media impacts them, the soundbites I heard were jarring. A few that come to mind are:
I'm always on TikTok, and I completely forget about my homework.
Social media puts this standard around what beauty is.
It's seeing what [other people are] doing, feeling excluded, wishing you were a part of that.
Social media can consume someone.
It's like a whole other world in there.
It got me thinking after my sit down with Polly Ely, MFT, about a solid checklist that I could lean on in tandem with my Family-friendly Device Agreement that I put in place to ensure my kids developed a healthier relationship with these apps. Here is my go-to 8-step checklist for managing social media in the years to come and how to use parental control on social media to impact social media use in teens.
1) Have teens journal their feelings before and after social media usage to recognize their feelings.
Social media is a giant comparing machine already going on inside teens’ brains, where you’re always on the losing end. Help them understand why this is. We are naturally wired for negative bias (i.e., looking for bad news). Even when it’s good, we can spin it to bad: Looking at somebody else's happy life, brand new puppy, or a great vacation. It always plugs into that negative bias when we stop and say, "Oh, I don't have that.” A slow drip regularly into a developing brain can cause depression and anxiety.
The US Surgeon General just announced that there is a mental health crisis going on and that social media is to blame, and Colorado just joined dozens of states in suing Meta, alleging specifically that the company violates consumer protection laws. Optimally, having a pre and post-session strategy with your kid can help.
Have them write a little bit ahead of time before they go into a social media gawking session, then spend 15-30 minutes on social media and write down how they feel afterward. This way, they can tangibly see the difference because it's unconscious. They won't realize if they're sliding slowly down a hill while watching other people's lives on social media. But it can open up that dialogue if they can measure how they feel at the start and end, even through a zero to 10 scale. Since it's often low-grade suffering, it's tough to detect.
2) Why parental control over social media apps doesn’t always help.
When we exert too much control, the worst of us comes out, and the worst of our kids comes out. Transparency is ultimately the best policy. Let them know that you’ll be running sporadic checks and that they won’t get a warning when you do. Roughly once a month, and you will exercise discipline in the process. You won’t advise them on how to communicate with friends or boyfriend or girlfriend. Tell them what you will be looking out for if they are stepping outside the lines of an understood agreement that you have in place. This helps keep the dialogue open, and you are a trusted partner instead of someone villainizing the process and encouraging them to shut you out more. Maturity does come, but being there every step of the way can make a big difference.
3) Test the effect of social media on your teen.
If they feel they are cutting themselves off from their friends by going off of the apps, all we can do is experiment. Tell them: “Let's see if you are cut off when you are off of social media. You could connect more to yourself or the things that genuinely bring you joy. We won’t know until we try.” The truth is that we usually get more disconnected when on social media. That community is thin. Ultimately, we're getting a lot of applause and emojis, but is it giving us a lasting lift inside, or is it short-lived? And what ultimately we're learning to do and is incumbent upon all of us is to learn how to grasp those longer-lasting lifts to find the things that truly give me an enduring sense of well-being. So encourage your kid to take any amount of experimentation — whether it's a two-hour break to see if they still feel drawn to it or a four-hour break. The results could be interesting for them and you to see and find out together.
4) Create times when your teens' social media usage is limited.
Mandating digital breaks is essential and critical both for adults and teens. Whether it’s mandatory fun on a Sunday with a four-hour break or just at family dinners, it can help build great boundaries and a healthy relationship with device usage. Sometimes, teens can’t do this independently, and those mandated breaks can be critical for their well-being and hold them accountable for taking a much-needed break. In many of my interviews, teens wished this was more of the case, so you are doing the right thing even if they can’t admit it.
5) Know that they are being sold to and also a commodity being sold on social media.
Teach your teens that everything on social media, including them, is being monetized. They are being sold to and trained to purchase. This is the more extensive conversation for teens to recognize what they’re a part of. A Harvard study found that social media companies made $11B in US ad revenue from minors. They are also a commodity and are being sold. This can be the beginning of their understanding of how we are playing into a big capitalist machine and can be very deepening. But ask them to show you what they enjoy and come to it with genuine curiosity. It might be ridiculous, but help them understand the machine and know that constantly pointing out negatives won’t help anyone.
6) Be true to yourself as a parent in the face of teen social media use.
If you have a kid that comes off the app feeling a certain way, offer a different point of view when they are ready. The waiting until they are ready to hear it is critical. For instance, if a teen girl comes off the app and feels terrible about her body, say, “I have a different point of view when you are ready to hear it.” And wait. The goal with teens is to allow them to hold two differing perspectives in tandem and evaluate each. When they then come to you, offer that opinion. In this example, you could say, “I see a beautifully healthy body that is getting sucked into thinking she's supposed to be smaller than she is when she goes on social media, but this is not what I see.” Instead of convincing them of your beliefs, offer another perspective to help them feel secure in their true self over time.
7) Practice what you preach in terms of your own social media usage.
If you ask your teen to consent when posting or uploading photos online, it’s only fair that you do the same. Also, focus on posting authentic to yourself and with purpose. We can’t expect them to be on it always if we are.
Role modeling, healthy tech habits, and unplugging as a family are good ways to help everyone in the house feel less alone in the struggle. Consider making plans for Global Day of Unplugging, which is always the first weekend in March. Brainstorm with your teen about ways to celebrate. They will likely be inspired to know that people all over the world will be elevating human connection over digital engagement - and they are not alone.
8) Be vulnerable with your teens about using social media
If you are worried about your teen or regretting some of your choices up until this moment, open up the dialogue with a non-judgemental approach. Tell them their happiness matters to you and that you want to join them as you discover what can help bring them joy again. Do this without judgment in their use of social media and in wanting it. That’s all normal, and they’re designed to be that way.
An example of how to open up that conversation could be: “Hey, I'd love to help you work on some of your behaviors around your device use, and I'm willing to look at mine and work on it with you. What if we agreed that when we arrive at the table, we just keep it in our pocket and not bring it out? Would you be open to that kind of an agreement going forward?” What we’re ultimately trying to do here for them, and ourselves is enroll in a consciousness practice around devices so they can start learning to self-govern it as maturity comes.
Final Thoughts: Creating a Checklist to Help Maneuver Teens with Social Media
We’re in this together. Devices aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. Sharing any regrets about it with your kid and that they are worth protecting is a beautiful message to spread. If there are things you wish you did differently, say that. Ask them for their opinion too. When in doubt, talk through a family-friendly device agreement that can help keep everyone on the same page throughout the journey.
Listen to the full episode of The Social Media Fairytale, and I’ll leave you with some final advice from our brave Bay Area teens who participated in our interviews.
I wish that people would stop comparing themselves to these influencers, or the influencers would post the bad parts of their lives, too.
Confidence is essential to knowing yourself; you shouldn't feel pressured by anything online.
I only follow specific people on social media and [things that have] to do with my daily life or passions.
If I see something I am uncomfortable with online, I can press not interested, or unfollow an account.
I normally put my phone away and do things I love — like reading, drawing, playing the guitar, going on a run, and talking to some friends.
Stay true to yourself. Focus on what makes you happy, not what other people want to see.
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Here are a few more links we think might be useful from the folks at the Social Media Victims Law Center:
Social Media Addiction - socialmediavictims.org/social-media-addiction/
A guide about lawsuits against Meta (Facebook and Instagram) for the harm they cause users - socialmediavictims.org/meta-lawsuit/
